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I Got 99 Problems But This Baby’s Heart’s Not One

by lisadiane

Hit me. Bad blogger alert.  I’m 2 weeks behind on giving you an update on my little baby travel buddy nuggets’ heart.  Been too busy slaying hearts again.  Seriously, for some reason I am WILDLY attractive to men while being pregnant.  Can I always be pregnant forever? This time, I was asked out IN PUBLIC whilst being 6 months pregnant.  I’ve only gained 5ish pounds and it’s all baby, so from the boobs up I guess it must be hard to tell. And these boobs. Hubba Hubba. I was sitting at Camp Bar, the best bar, in the 3rd Ward with my friend drinking some hot chocolate (she was drinking a vodka for full context) and a couple guys came up and asked to share our table.  After a couple fun hours, dude asks me out on a date.  I told him that I would give him my number and my full name, and that he should google me and then text me and decide if he still wants to go out on a date.  Next day, he texted me saying he has some questions, but would still like to take me out.  Go figure. 

So back to baby.  2 weeks ago I had my ultrasound with the fetal cardiologist.  The ultrasound technician did about 25 minutes of work measuring, taking pictures, and listening to and recording flows of blood.  Heart rate was 123 for all of you tracking that with your baby gender guesses.  (You people better be gambling on this… I’m not giving you this opportunity to gamble against each other for nothing!)  Basically, she did a full echo-cardiogram on the baby. 

The fetal cardiologist walked in.  He was 14.  Doogie Howser, M.D.  I mean, obviously he was older that that but at my age they all look young.  (Can you believe I’m at that age where I say things like “they all look young”?)  He was the opposite of what I imagined a cardiologist would be.  He was calm, humble, and had great bedside manner.  Super weird.  Just kidding, he was lovely, obviously.  The first thing he said was “I’m not saying I’m a better doctor than the other doctor who told you there was a hole but all I do for a living is look at babies’ hearts and I don’t see a hole.”  To which my mom who was with me and I try to high five him and say, “Hell yeah you’re a better doctor!”  and he blushed and said “Oh no no no, I wasn’t trying to say I was, I was just defending him.” 

You read that correctly, baby does not have VSD.   Dr. Cardiologist says he saw the picture the other doctor looked at and said that he saw “an artifact”, not a hole.  But since they did do a full echo-cardiogram, Dr Cardiologist did find something out of sorts.  Baby has an extra vein.  Yes, of course, my baby is an overachiever already, what did you expect.  

It’s called Persistent Left Superior Vena Cava.  He drew me a picture because he was lovely.  1 out of 300 people have it but don’t know it because they have never had a full echo-cardiogram.  It’s usually found if someone is getting heart surgery for something unrelated later in life because they can’t put something in on that side?  Wow, I’m doing a great job explaining this. I guess it hasn’t showed up yet on any of my medical dramas so I’m not an expert yet. Just google it, it’s not that bad, I promise.  The baby can come out normal, it’s not in high risk anymore.  They will do an ultrasound of the baby’s heart after it comes out to check really good without all the goo and placenta and my stomach fat and my skin in the way.  Also they will check again in a month with Dr. Cardiologist as well. 

A rare piece of doctor art showing what a Persistent Left Superior Vena Cava is.

Great news, right!!!  Baby is currently trying to prove to me that they are healthy as a horse by using my insides as a punching bag.  Love this kid already because they only act up during the day.  We sleep like angel babies through the night.  Me, the little nugget face, and my other little nugget face Sushi.  Sushi is LOVING the new belly activity.  We just started feeling the baby on the outside so Sushi has been spending time laying her head on my belly bonding with her new little sister or brother.  I die.  It’s everything.

Watching my little babies snuggling in the morning… The smaller one is kicking the bigger one in the face in this picture.

I’m still doing amazing.  I’ve never in my entire life felt this good or happy or healthy.  I’m doing everything in my power to enjoy my final few months of freedom before I’m never alone again.  My only complaint is that after 4 o’clock, I’m literally a burp factory.  I try to burp it all out but can’t stop taking in air which just keeps coming out.  Buy stock of Tums immediately, I’ll make you an good ROI.  Oh shit, was that insider trading? 

Thanks for being with me on this journey!  I appreciate all the support. 

8 Weeks Pregnant/30 Days Sober

by lisadiane

Or 6 weeks. Whatever. At least the more time goes by it doesn’t feel as strange tacking on a couple extra weeks.

Even though I’m 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I thought I would give you an 8-week update. Honestly, I had such big plans to blog at least weekly. I think about it all the time. I have these great subjects and great pictures, but holy cannoli am I tired. If I could arrange life to nap between 2pm-4pm every day I think I would be fine. But that’s my only symptom.  Other than that, I have just had thoughts over weeks 6-8 and I figured I would share those with you in lieu of symptoms.

  • Riding on Birds/Limes/Spins/Scooters. – For sure one of my favorite forms of transportation.  You can read about my thoughts on them here.  Even though I’ve seen my mom and a friend of mine eat some serious crap on them over the past couple of weeks, I just love those things.  I figure I have to ride them until I start showing because a pregnant lady riding on an electric scooter will probably be frowned upon by most people I blow by.  I did google if the vibrations are safe of going over the bumps and stuff and apparently my little travel buddy is surrounded by a crap ton of amniotic fluid so they are fine.  Plus, don’t some pregnant people run?  That’s probably bouncy.  (You can tell I’m not familiar with the inner workings of “running”)
  • Meet my new best friend. –  It’s too embarrassing to talk about, but I literally couldn’t get through life without my best friend.  You can read about my best friend here.
  • Non-Alcoholic Beer Sucks. – Well, at least from what I’ve tried.  I’ve heard I’m supposed to give St. Pauli Girl a chance, but it’s not on the top of my priority list.  Mocktails though…  Milwaukee really rocks at making me feel like I’m drinking when I’m out with my friends.  Beautiful tasty drinks everywhere.  Detroit was amazing at it too.  I’ll have to blog separately (about Mocktails AND Detroit!) because I have so many delightful pictures of mocktails (and Detroit!).  I’ve been really proud of my friends for continuing to include me in after school activities.  In fact, I get to be the boat captain on the a pontoon ride down the river with some girlfriends on Friday. You might think they are taking advantage of me as a designated driver who is comfortable driving boats, but I see myself as a really cool boating friend! Keep in mind I’m down to about 7 months of freedom and have to live it up before someone arrives that calls all the shots. I want to do ALL the things.
  • Dating while pregnant is turning out to not be a thing. – Can’t say I haven’t tried.  I mean, in my mind I have a very limited amount of time to date the normal way.  *Insert daydream here of a date where a simple drink turns into dinner turns into a long walk turns into a makeout sesh turns into talking for hours until the sun comes up* *Then insert daynightmare of date where a drink has to end because your childcare facility closes as 6 and you hadn’t planned additional childcare for your spontaneous want to keep talking to handsome stranger date and then you have to go on 17 other 1 hour dates over the next 2 years with same guy just to get enough time to decide he’s not the one and you’ve spent a lot of money on childcare figuring that out*  I was going to continue to online date but really couldn’t wrap my head around how to manage the “bait and switch” of dating while pregnant.  I mean, I could put in my profile “I’m pregnant but don’t worry, there’s no father yet and that could be you!”  No, that makes me look psychotic and probably will attract some people but certainly not for the right reasons and I certainly don’t want to have to sort through that.  Dating has become a little more serious in my mind as well because I’m not only vetting a potential partner for myself, I’m now vetting a father for my child and this guy better be DAMN good because my child deserves the best. (Funny I never thought I deserved the best until now? Classic codependent.) I did attend a singles event at The Iron Horse Hotel last week with some friends though.  I had my mocktail in hand and did my thing where I was funny hoping that would attract some fish but turns out my personal brand of super extra with a side of sarcasm combined with the nervous energy I was fostering of hiding a “secret” from the guys I was talking to was not a winning combination.  No dates for me. Not worried though. There’s a guy out there looking for a single mom who is wildly successful (and by wildly successful I mean mildly successful), hilarious and often (always) inappropriate, who loves to travel, do outside things, do inside things, is happy 99% of the time, and displays her personal life for all to see via a very unpopular blog because she doesn’t know how to use technology or social media properly to advertise even though if she did she could probably get a book deal and live out her dream life of traveling and writing while observing humankind in all their different types of habitats for a living. 
  • My skin looks AMAZING. – At first I was 100% convinced I was having a boy because of my lack of symptoms and beautiful skin (apparently girls take away your beauty and make life miserable according to an old wives tale) but then I realize my skin looks this great 100% because I haven’t drank alcohol in over 30 days and I’m chugging water like it’s my job.  *Side Note:  I will not be finding out what I am having because I hate surprises but also like to challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone.
  • My child may come out of me with burst eardrums. – I drive a fair amount for work and normally listen to books on tape… er… I mean Audible but because of my temporary narcolepsy I am no longer able to improve my mind while in the car and now have to focus on my lung capacity and keeping myself awake. So I have been singing at the top of my lungs. I pick one artist or one station and go hard for my hour drive to and from Madison. So, my future traveling buddy will come out well versed in Paul Simon, Miranda Lambert, John Mayer, Hip Hop, Country Music, The Best of Hip Hop and R&B from the late 90’s and early 2000’s, The Best of the 90’s, and Yacht Rock.
  • I need a Night Nurse. – Yes, I’m still sleeping like a rock star.  Actually, sleeping is one of my superpowers.  Apparently, babies wake up every two hours.  I watched this movie called Tully (Just watch this preview) and now I’m hyper obsessed with Night Nurses. Night Nurses basically work 3rd shift and come over at night and take care of your baby while you sleep and clean your house and when it’s time for you to pump or nurse, they bring the equipment or baby to your bedside boob and hook everything up while you remain in REM if you would like.  When you wake up in the morning they are gone like fairies and your house is in perfect order, there’s breakfast waiting on the table, all your laundry is done, and your baby is content.   Despite the fact that they can cost $350-$1000 a night and that is certainly not in my budget.  You can find me at the casino nightly trying to win it big in order to add this childcare service to my life.  A good friend of mine has already offered to come into town from Arizona to night nurse for me for 4 nights as her baby shower gift.  I was overwhelmed with joy.  In fact, this concept is so fascinating to me, that my best friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago and they both weren’t sleeping well, so I went over there at 3 o’clock in the afternoon and told her to go to sleep.  I took care of and fed the baby, she woke up exclusively to pump every 4 hours (and to probably check on her child let’s be honest).  She got in 10 solid hours of sleep, I got in a shit ton of snuggle time.  I left at 7am.  Only thing is I did no cleaning. And I was pretty noisy when I left unlike a fairy. I also left a mess, ate her food and lost 3 pacifiers.  If you need a night nurse, you just give me a call.  I’m all about earning some good night nurse karma right now!
  • I’m sick and it won’t go away. – What the heck is this garbage?  I don’t get sick.  I have an award-winning immune system.  I can even drink the water in Mexico. I mean, who gets sick in summer?  I promise I will never take Sudafed for granted again.  I miss taking the drugs. So it’s been a solid week of a hard core cold and cough.  Annoying.  Someone told me I could take a Tylenol.  I laughed.  I might as well take a standard gummy bear and call it a day.
  • Finding childcare is going to be a pain in my rear. – A. Expensive. B. Inflexible. C. Inconvenient.  Is it too much to ask for childcare that is in my budget that allows for my flexible schedule?  If anyone wants to give me a lifestyle quiz and then take this task of finding childcare off my plate that would be great, thanks.  Apparently, you have to start before conception as well because there are waiting lists years long.  Should have thought about this 10 years ago. Anyone else downtown Milwaukee want to do a Nanny share or that does in-home care?  Or that doesn’t charge too much and wants to just hang out with my kid when I need you to?    
  • I don’t like my future travel buddy being compared to fruit. – So I changed the filter on my pregnancy app to strange things.  Last week my little travel buddy was the size of one of those firework poppers that you throw in the street and they explode.  This week it’s the size of a 2×2 Lego.  Can’t wait to find out what size they are tomorrow!
  • I made my first baby purchase.  –My amazing SIL Natalie send me a link to the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I had to buy them. I mean, they were on clearance at Nordstrom Rack.  I pretty much had to.  I bought two sizes as well because my child will wear them and love them so much and then years later will be like, do you remember those shoes that looked like Sushi?  I loved those.  And then I’ll be like, well in fact I do remember those and I want to make your wildest dreams come true so here they are in your current size because I knew this moment would come.  And then I win at parenting.  See?  Always thinking ahead.  Super strategic they call me. 
The best dog in the world can’t wait for her new best friend to wear her face on their feet.

And that’s about that for my thoughts! Thanks for joining me on this journey! Look forward to sharing all the things with you.

Lisa

1 Year

by lisadiane

It was March, 2018. I had just exited yet another long term turned wrong term relationship. And I wanted a baby. Yes, I could have stayed in that wrong term relationship and had all my baby-making dreams come true, but in those dreams this particular relationship didn’t come with a lifetime of happiness for myself, or us. Our hopes and dreams didn’t align*. And neither did our love languages. (The 5 Love Languages is the single most influential book of my life that has helped pave my personal and professional life’s every success. That, and The Secret. Watch it. Power through. The message is important.)

So I got a dog, and called a doctor. The dog was a no-brainer. I missed having that unconditional love only a dog could give, but I also wanted to start reassuring myself that a lifetime of 24/7 commitment was something I still wanted. Could I still travel? And give work 110%? And have a social life? And take my dog with me? The answer was yes. And still is yes. Best decision I’ve made in years. I’m currently sitting at my local Colectivo writing this while my perfect angel baby sits quietly and people watches. Her favorite hobby.

The most amazing dog in the universe, Sushi.

The doctor on the other hand? The doctor was a bigger, scarier commitment. First of all, she was booked out until May. A great thing, because I can be impulsive and too decisive, and this was no puppy. I was terrified. I waited in the cold sterile room for this doctor that I had never met who was in complete control of my destiny to come in. And I practiced in my head what I would say. And in true Lisa fashion, rehearsed what she would say back, and so and so forth until I had manifested the outcome. My inner monologue is a scary place to be. As you know, fantasy is never the same as reality, so what really happened I never saw coming.

Me: (shaking, scared, apprehensive) “I’m thinking about having a baby by myself.”

Her: (ambivalent, amused, nonplussed) “Great! Let’s look at sperm donors! (Pulls up a website on the computer) Look, this guy has a black belt!”

Never in a million years in a million fantasies was the epic decision to have a child by myself so clear. For someone I had just met to respond to me with humor and unconditional trust in my decision was the ultimate sign for me. She then explained how she normally doesn’t talk money with patients, but in this situation, she does. She gave me my two options, IUI and IVF, and explained the difference in procedure and cost. I’ll get into procedure later, but lets just say that IUI is 1/20 the cost of IVF and the only avenue I could afford. The whole appointment was so reassuring and comfortable that I knew what I was going to do. None-the-less, I decided to give myself a year to consider all options and really vet this decision.

Over the course of May 2018-May 2019, I would say my biggest challenge with committing to this decision was the man part. No matter how feminist this decision looked and felt, I desperately desired for my life to become a Rom-Com** and Prince Charming would show up and we would be perfectly aligned in our hopes and dreams and do this thing together. (ie. “The Back Up Plan” with J-Lo. Premise: She gets inseminated, on the way home, meets *the guy* in the cab, they fall in love, he comes to all her appointments with her, becomes the father of the twins (!) and then they “accidentally” get pregnant quickly after the twins with their own DNA sharing child(ren) and life is perfect)

I painfully spent a year realizing my life is about as far away from a Rom-Com movie as possible. My life is entirely more of the “Com” part than the “Rom” part. I had strike out after strike out. In hindsight, most of the stories of my strike outs are fun to tell (my friends tell me). My heart broke a little every time though. Mostly for my future child. Because I do want them to have a present father. But also for me. Because life is more fun when you have someone you can do it with. Life that is. Get your head out of the gutter. Ok, and “that”.

But then, some random day in February of 2019, I finally felt at peace with myself being enough. Because I’m extra. Just kidding (but not really). I did realize that I wasn’t lying to myself when I always told people,

I don’t NEED a man, I WANT a man.

So here I am world! Doing the thing! Alone. And I’m going to tell you the story. Because that’s who I am. And who I will always be. And if I don’t share my story for other people to commiserate with, who will? And frankly, I could use all the support I can get.

Thanks for joining me on my journey,

Lisa

*Hopes and dreams include: a lakehouse, downtown condo, snowbird villa, and much international travel.

**Rom-Com=Romantic Comedy